Lamhaat-e-yaad-e-yaar - The Pining!

I have always wanted to write something like this as an exercise. Where I wind a story around a ghazal. I have started to write it but somehow would wind up loosing patience. It was very difficult to bring the two together. But finally I got around today to doing it. That makes me very happy with my attempt but leaves me a little bit dissatisfied with the piece itself. Anywas here is its. A story and a ghazal.


Lamhaat-e-yaad-e-yaar - The Pining!

These thoughts startle me. I can feel their subtle footsteps approaching my concious and I know its useless to try to duck out of their pathway. I just sit there and watch as the subtlety gives way to drenching and I find myself thinking of him, of us, of what could have been for the umpteenth time. I am still as if nothing around me matters. I am dead to the outside world.
I can only feel, I cannot see, I cannot hear. Everything is muted. I close my eyes. Tears stream out. How much? How much more? and How much more longer? I keep asking myself. I keep waiting. Waiting for the day when I will close my eyes and not see his image any longer.

us din ka intezaar hain jab tera aks mere palkon ke darmiyaan na ho...
faasla koi maut aur zindagi ke darmiyaan na ho!

I fall back on the bed. The tears slide down from the corners of my eyes. Memories. That is all what I have left. It does not help that I get to see him now and then. His arm around someone else. That was supposed to be me..wasn't it? Ofcourse it was supposed to be me. Infact it is me..surely..the concious gives way as reality blurs...
khud ko kaise samjhaaye Kya haqeeqat hain aur kya fasaana...tum ho magar mere na ho!
Thoughts drift to happier days. When there was laughter. When there was life. When there was him. The days spent wandering just about everywhere..hand in hand. Not caring where we were going. Just walking - everything around melting into nothingness. Hearing just the sound of his voice, feeling the heat of his presence, watching the movement of his hands...just him and me. The sun comes out with full force from behing the clouds. I am bathed in his shadow. Please God! Don't let the moment end...

is tadakthi dhoop mein mujh par tumhaari chaaon...
rabb se darkhaast hain yeh pal kabhi khatm na ho!

And yes the moment never ended. The sun set, the day ended, the shadows were gone - but the moment stayed with me. God had granted me my wish! I smiled inspite of myself. If only, he had paid as much attention to one more wish of mine. How would life have been if we had been together? I looked around. That chair by the window would have been his favorite place to sit. He loved looking at things going around, watching people go about their business. I went to the window. Yes definitely, he would have loved to be standing and looking out of the window. There was a bus stop always bustling with activity right underneath. It was a similar such bus stop where I had seen him for the first time - the impact he was going to have on my life not even registering in my remotest of thoughts. The only thought that had gone through was - ooh! what a good looking guy! and that was it. I had returned to chatting with my girlfriend.

aisa hi ek din tha, jab tere khadmon ka rukh tha meri taraf...
wahi raaste pe phir ek baar laut aaoon, chaahe phir kal ho na ho!

How does it happen? How does one let it happen? There you are happy and contented all by yourself. Having a good time with life, laughing at the silliest of jokes, heart racing even if a decent looking guy so much as glanced at you, getting on a high even when doing simple things as having an icecream with a couple of your friends...and then you commit suicide. You fall in love. And everything becomes so complicated. Good looking guys do not even register, girlfriends become a bore, the best of jokes evoke a forced smile from you...there is only one thought. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Does he know I have feeling for him? Does he have feelings for me? Its like the whole world ceased to exist and from its ashes rose this one person and you can think about nothing else. You cannot enjoy the ice-cream that you had wolfed down with relish not too long ago. Unless ofcourse he is treating you that ice-cream. Then of course, the ice-cream would taste much better than it had ever tasted and would never quite taste the same again. Just like life will never be the same again...

har cheez ki qadr kuch kum si ho gayee hain...
jaise tere saath hi mukammil hain kuch aur ho na ho!

I closed the window. A chapter had been closed. I could go over it in my memories but it could never be re-opened again. I stood still trying to drain the emotions that had been ravaging me. I waited for the conflict to die down, steering myself towards reality. I looked in the mirror. Good Lord! My eye-liner had smudged. What a bother! The phone rang.
"Are you ready?" her voice rang out."Almost.." I said trying hard not to let the quiver in my voice be heard.I knew I was fighting the impossible. She knew me like no other..."You have been crying again...haven't you?" she chided me."I...""How many times do I tell you? No man is worth your tears..." "Yes..I know" "I am coming in 5 mins". I heard the click of the phone.That is what she always tells me. No man is worth your tears.To that I had always wanted to say - this one is, my dear, This one is.

seekh milti hain auron se apnon ko bhulaane ki,
kya chaahte hain woh ki fiza ka koi wajood hi na ho!

Hazaron khwaishen aisi...

OK I am attempting to translate a Ghalib Ghazal this time. It is my fondest khwaish to do so even though I know I will get lost in between and most likely end up tripping with face down in the mud. But kya karen hazaron khwaishen aisi ke kar khwaish pe dum nikle!

The greatness of Ghalib is not unknown to the followers of Urdr sher-o-shaayri. I have read translations of a single sher of his that can run into pages and still leave a doubt in the person's mind that this is what he intented to say or if there was some other hidden meaning. From what I've read of Ghalib's stuff and his personality, I would say he was always saying something that none could fathom exactly. One could take potshots at understanding his shers and might even succeed a little here and a little there but I doubt if one could grasp the entire meaning of the sher in the way it was intended to be understood. Or maybe it was not intended to be understood. That's one thing I notice about Ghalib's shaayri, he is always being naughty. Just when I think 'gotcha' I imagine an indulgent smile on his serene face with his own 'gotcha'! So here is my attempt. A very amatuerish one I assure you, but I am trying my best to bring the magic of Ghalib to some of you. Pliss to excuse.

hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle
bohot nikle mere armaaN lekin phir bhee kam nikle

I am sure most of us have heard this sher in one form or other somewhere or the other. This is one Ghalib's shers that I have memorized even before my interest in Urdu Poetry took root simply because it is quoted everywhere. In Bollywood, in books, in conversations - everywhere. Infact I knew this sher byheart before I knew the shaayar who had written it. One of Ghalib's better known shers. Ok now let me attempt to understand what the great poet is trying to say here. The first line is ofcourse easier to comprehend than the second one.
hazaaroN KHwahishaiN 'eisee ke har KHwahish pe dam nikle. Remember we used to learn in Economics at school 'Man's wants are unlimited'. Ghalib is trying to say the same but in style. Thousands of desires, each desire such that you could choke on it. I have used 'choke' to translate 'dum nikalna' but it is not the exact word. Dum nikalna is something like life being sucked out slowly. I like the word 'khwaish'. It has that special urdu ring to it. Rolling so very nicely on the tongue. Not khaish but khwaish! Now comes the difficult part. The second line in the sher.
"bohot nikle mere armaaN lekin phir bhee kam nikle"

For a very long time thought I heard this sher often and even quoted it sometimes, I could not get to the exact meaning of the last line. I mean I knew what it was trying to convey but I was not sure how it was conveying it. Surely Ghalib was saying that though many desires had been fulfilled, a lot remained. But how did this line manage to convey that. I was taking the meaning of 'nikalna' to be to get out. I was like this means the desires are making their way out. So how did it imply that they were being fulfilled. Well, enlightenment came as I read a very long discussion on this sher. When do desires make their way out? Only when they are fulfilled ofcourse. Otherwise they would remain inside nai? I was like offo! kya baat hain. So basically in a very roundabout and with using the word 'nikle' 3 different times in 3 different ways Ghalib tells us that though a lot of his wishes [armaan] have been fulfilled, somehow they [the fulfilled ones] have remained few. What a beautiful andaz in saying that most of the wishes have remain unfulfilled. Phew!

Darey kyooN mera qaatil kya rahega uskee gardan par
wo KHooN, jo chashm-e-tar se 'umr bhar yooN dam_ba_dam nikle

Once again one can write a story out of this couplet. The sher must be easy to understand in the sense the only hard words being used here are chashm-e-tar which mean the wetness of the eye. Ghalib says why should my killer fear? Gardan par is used in urdu to denote guilt. Uski gardan par woh ilzaam hain is meant to convey that he is guilty of that crime. So Ghalib says why should my killer fear, there is nothing to feel guilty about...the blood has already flowed out of the wetness in my eyes, continously all my life. Yep, very roundabout Ghalibisque fashion in saying don't you fear oh! one who wants to kill me, I am already dead with the amount of grief in my life. Uff!

nikalna KHuld se aadam ka sunte aayaiN haiN lekin
bohot be_aabru hokar tere kooche se ham nikle

This is also one of those famous shers. To get anywhere close to understanding this sher one has to know the story of Adam and how he was thrown out of Heaven. Khuld here is used to denote heaven. That translation makes the first line easier to understand - have heard a lot about Adam being thrown out of heaven. Now comes the mastery as he weaves this event around his own life. bohot be_aabru hokar tere kooche se ham nikle - it was with a lot of shame that I got out of your house. Bhai wah! Equating her house to heaven, his disgrace to that of Adam's - only a master shaayar can think up of something as stunning as this sher. It all makes sense in the end!

bharam khul jaaye zaalim tere qaamat ki daraazee ka
agar is turra-e-pur_pech-o-KHam ka pech-o-KHam nikle

This is one of those shers that have another Ghalib-stamp. Some very difficult sounding words used more than once to convey different meanings. I am like pehleich woh lavs samajh nai aara, ooper se aap usku kayeen baar istemaal karte! Neways I consulted a few dictonaries and ultimately did get a grasp on what those words might mean, but then again as I warned beforehand, they might not! Infact to be frank, though I get a general meaning of what the words might mean, I am thinking that I do not understand the complexity of this sher. So please to excuse and give me some feedback if you think you understand it better. I'd be indebted. Bharam khul jaana is used to convey that the misunderstanding has been cleared. I think Ghalib addresses his tormentor [zaalim] with your secret about your height of esteem [for Ghalib maybe?] ..I am clueless about the second line. Pech I know means tangles and turra means turban but what it is the meaning of it all - I do not know. :-(

magar likhwaaye koee usko KHat, to hamse likhawaaye
huee subah aur ghar se kaan par rakhkar qalam nikle

But if anyone wants someone to wrie a letter for her let me do that, every morning I leave with a pen in my ear. The words used might be simple here but the meaning seems to deep. I thought for a long time on this one and could come up with this - that though she has been mean to him [by the zaalim in the last sher] he still covets any sort of contact with her. Since he cannot approach her directly he is willing to help anyone who might want to contact her. In this hope he always leaves home - the pen in the ear denoting that he is ready and waiting for the opportunity and hopes it comes by his way each day that he leaves home. I told you, one can write stories on his shers!


(...to be continued)

Aaj phir dil chaahta hain..

tere aankhon mein chupe raaz-o-andaaz dekhne ko dil chaahta hain,
aaj phir sookhe zakhm khuredne ko dil chaahta hain.

tera woh andaaz-e-bayaan, teri woh mehekti saansein,
aaj phir khuda se kuch maangne ko dil chaahta hain.

teri woh naraazgi, teri woh saadgi,
aaj phir tujhe pyaar karne ko dil chaahta hain.

tera woh tadapna, tera woh aansoo bahaana,
aaj phir tujhse bichadne ko dil chaahta hain!

tera woh muskuraana, jeet ja jashn manaana,
aaj phir zindagi se haarne ko dil chaahta hain!

tere woh chehakna, pal pal mujhe rijhaana,
aaj phir tera haathon khatl hone to dil chaahta hain!

teri woh bewafaai, waqt ke haathon rusvaai,
aaj phir us khayaal se ladne ko dil chaahta hain!

tera woh jaana, phir kabhi laut ke na aana,
aaj phir tere galiyon se guzarne ko dil chaahta hain!

teri woh khushboo, tere jism ki woh garmi,
aaj phir teri baahon mein ghul jaane ko dil chaahta hain!

tera woh junoon, tera woh jazba-e-ishq,
aaj phir tujhse mohabbat karne ko dil chaahta hain!

tera woh aasra, har dum lehraata hua woh saaya,
aaj phir tujh pe aitbaar karne ko dil chaahta hain!


***~~~~***

Not a lot of hard words, so just explaining a few...
*sukhe zakh khuredna - to scratch at dried out wounds,
andaaz-e-bayaan - style of expression, rijhaana - seducing,
junoon-madness, jazba-e-ishq - emotion of love *

Kisko kya samjhoon? - A ghazal by Ahmed Nadeem Qasmi

kisko qatil main kahoon kisko masiha samjhoon
sab yahan dost hi baithe hain kise kya samjhoon

[translation for the urdu-challeneged amongst us:
Whom should I condiser to be the killer here, whom the savior
all of the people sitting here are friends, what should I consider them]


Subtlety is one thing that attracts me to a sher. There is something called a naazuk sher...where the a profound thing is conveyed in something of a whisper! This sher clearly belongs to that category. How wonderfully the shaayar conveys the lessons in his life in about 2 lines. That everyone might seem like a friend but you can never be sure of their intentions. Another thing about urdu shers is that they seem to convey a number of meanings in 2 lines. And every way that you look at it, it still is amazing!


woh bhi kya din the ke har waham yaqeen hota tha
ab haqeeqat nazar aaye to use kya samjhoon


I absolutely *love* the first sher in this stanza. Har waham yaqeen hotha tha! Waham can have so many meanings. Generally it is used to tell someone it is your imagination. It is not really so. It is also used for a doubt. Look at the beauty of this sher that any way you look at it, it is equally enthralling though subtly different.

oh! what days were those when every doubt would turn into confirmation [and then again it could be when every imagination would turn into reality]
now when I see reality what should I think ot that?

dil jo toota to kai haath dua ko uthe
aise mahoul mein ab kisko paraya samjhoon

I love this sher though it goes against the mood of the entire ghazal. All the other shers in the ghazal are sorta looking at the negativity in the world. Killers amongst friends, not being able to face reality and the same in the last one but this one is an upbeat sher. Sorta like restoring faith in humanity.

When the heart broke, lots of hands were raised in prayer,
in this kind of environment whom should I think as being the outsider!

Somehow this sher makes me think of all me friends :-P

zulm yeh hai ke hai yakta teri beganavi
lutf yeh hai ke main ab tak tujhe apna samjhoon

This is the sher of the ghazal for me. While all the shers are of pretty high standard, this one is way up there.

What is cruel is that your indifference is very rigid,
The pleasure is that I still think of you as my own!

Wah! Kya baat hain. Unconditonal love, loving an indifferent person, feeling pleasure in that love, the wickedness of the person loved, how rigid the indifference is, how it does not matter - how many things just these 2 lines convey. Mind blowing. Ab kuch hamara bhi suniye along the same lines:

mukhtalif andaazon mein milten hain woh humse,
kabhi unhe main apna kabhi paraaya samjhoon

Mukhtalif - different, andaaz- styles

Kam hain - A ghazal by Yamini Das

aa bhii jaao kii zindagii kam hai
tum nahii.n ho to har Khushii kam hai

OK this is a seedha saada kind sher...but look how wonderfully the shaayar conveys a regular run of the mill feeling...aa bhi jaao ki zindagi kam hai conveys so much in like 6 words...aa bhi jaao ki zindagi kam hain...so much meaning...the external meaning of course that life is short and the hidden meaning of it is nothing without you so you better hurry back! Who can resist that! nai?

vaadaa kar ke ye kaun aayaa nahii.n
shahar me.n aaj raushanii kam hai

raushanii = light;

Now this is a sher that kicks ass as ssm would say! I always marvel at how shaayar's manage to take the simplest of things and bind them together so well and create magic. Look at this one. 2 simple things a promise not kept and darkness...mix them up and what do you..sheer poetry! Again so many things conveyed in such simple lines. This sher seems like a complete ghazal in itself to me!

jaane kyaa ho gayaa hai mausam ko
dhuup ziyaadaa hai chaa.Ndanii kam hai

Well this sher does not quite appeal to me as do the others maybe coz living in Chicago one tends to pine for some dhoop! Kidding aside, I thought the shaayar could have conveyed so much more than what he does with the second stanza. Maybe something that would have said chaandni mein bhi dhoop ki tezi hain or something to that effect. My 2 cents!

aa_iinaa dekh kar Khayaal aayaa
aaj kal un kii dostii kam hai

Another one of those amazing sher's that could be a ghazal in itself. Again so many scenarios conveyed in like 10 words! Bhai wah!

tere dam se hii mai.n mukammal huu.N
bin tere terii 'Yamini' kam hai

mukammal = complete.

Yamini Das ends the ghazal superbly keeping in sync with the entire ghazal. Here the takallus is so well done. Teri yamini kum hain! ah!


A sher from me in the same vein -
hamara khayaal thak usko aaya nahin,
aaj kal mohabbat mein asar kam hain!

Kuch Ashaar

Hadd-e-nazar tak na koi manzil na koi muqaam,
raasta humee ne ikthiyaar kiya tha, ab gila karen bhi tho kisse karen?

Woh mera ho na saka kehte hazaar laila-majnu dekhe,
jo mera hokar bhi apna na hua, is dard ko dil mein kaise chupaayen?

na kabhi maatha teka na kabhi sajda kiya,
duaein tho hazaron karni hain, khuda ke saamne haath kaise uthaayen?

sar-e-raah-e-zindagi par baithe hain thak-haar kar,
jaana tho abhi badi door hain, jaan is murda jism mein kahaan se laayen?

kuch tamannaon ka koi thikaana nahi hotha,
jo bayaan hi na ho saka, us afsaane ka anjaam kahaan dhoonden?