Name:
Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Nothing much to say here except that I write to keep myself interested in things other than work and home. And I have to admit it has paid rich dividends. A heartfelt thanks to all my readers who make me feel oh-so-special!

Friday, August 04, 2006

Lamhaat-e-yaad-e-yaar - The Pining!

I have always wanted to write something like this as an exercise. Where I wind a story around a ghazal. I have started to write it but somehow would wind up loosing patience. It was very difficult to bring the two together. But finally I got around today to doing it. That makes me very happy with my attempt but leaves me a little bit dissatisfied with the piece itself. Anywas here is its. A story and a ghazal.


Lamhaat-e-yaad-e-yaar - The Pining!

These thoughts startle me. I can feel their subtle footsteps approaching my concious and I know its useless to try to duck out of their pathway. I just sit there and watch as the subtlety gives way to drenching and I find myself thinking of him, of us, of what could have been for the umpteenth time. I am still as if nothing around me matters. I am dead to the outside world.
I can only feel, I cannot see, I cannot hear. Everything is muted. I close my eyes. Tears stream out. How much? How much more? and How much more longer? I keep asking myself. I keep waiting. Waiting for the day when I will close my eyes and not see his image any longer.

us din ka intezaar hain jab tera aks mere palkon ke darmiyaan na ho...
faasla koi maut aur zindagi ke darmiyaan na ho!

I fall back on the bed. The tears slide down from the corners of my eyes. Memories. That is all what I have left. It does not help that I get to see him now and then. His arm around someone else. That was supposed to be me..wasn't it? Ofcourse it was supposed to be me. Infact it is me..surely..the concious gives way as reality blurs...
khud ko kaise samjhaaye Kya haqeeqat hain aur kya fasaana...tum ho magar mere na ho!
Thoughts drift to happier days. When there was laughter. When there was life. When there was him. The days spent wandering just about everywhere..hand in hand. Not caring where we were going. Just walking - everything around melting into nothingness. Hearing just the sound of his voice, feeling the heat of his presence, watching the movement of his hands...just him and me. The sun comes out with full force from behing the clouds. I am bathed in his shadow. Please God! Don't let the moment end...

is tadakthi dhoop mein mujh par tumhaari chaaon...
rabb se darkhaast hain yeh pal kabhi khatm na ho!

And yes the moment never ended. The sun set, the day ended, the shadows were gone - but the moment stayed with me. God had granted me my wish! I smiled inspite of myself. If only, he had paid as much attention to one more wish of mine. How would life have been if we had been together? I looked around. That chair by the window would have been his favorite place to sit. He loved looking at things going around, watching people go about their business. I went to the window. Yes definitely, he would have loved to be standing and looking out of the window. There was a bus stop always bustling with activity right underneath. It was a similar such bus stop where I had seen him for the first time - the impact he was going to have on my life not even registering in my remotest of thoughts. The only thought that had gone through was - ooh! what a good looking guy! and that was it. I had returned to chatting with my girlfriend.

aisa hi ek din tha, jab tere khadmon ka rukh tha meri taraf...
wahi raaste pe phir ek baar laut aaoon, chaahe phir kal ho na ho!

How does it happen? How does one let it happen? There you are happy and contented all by yourself. Having a good time with life, laughing at the silliest of jokes, heart racing even if a decent looking guy so much as glanced at you, getting on a high even when doing simple things as having an icecream with a couple of your friends...and then you commit suicide. You fall in love. And everything becomes so complicated. Good looking guys do not even register, girlfriends become a bore, the best of jokes evoke a forced smile from you...there is only one thought. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Does he know I have feeling for him? Does he have feelings for me? Its like the whole world ceased to exist and from its ashes rose this one person and you can think about nothing else. You cannot enjoy the ice-cream that you had wolfed down with relish not too long ago. Unless ofcourse he is treating you that ice-cream. Then of course, the ice-cream would taste much better than it had ever tasted and would never quite taste the same again. Just like life will never be the same again...

har cheez ki qadr kuch kum si ho gayee hain...
jaise tere saath hi mukammil hain kuch aur ho na ho!

I closed the window. A chapter had been closed. I could go over it in my memories but it could never be re-opened again. I stood still trying to drain the emotions that had been ravaging me. I waited for the conflict to die down, steering myself towards reality. I looked in the mirror. Good Lord! My eye-liner had smudged. What a bother! The phone rang.
"Are you ready?" her voice rang out."Almost.." I said trying hard not to let the quiver in my voice be heard.I knew I was fighting the impossible. She knew me like no other..."You have been crying again...haven't you?" she chided me."I...""How many times do I tell you? No man is worth your tears..." "Yes..I know" "I am coming in 5 mins". I heard the click of the phone.That is what she always tells me. No man is worth your tears.To that I had always wanted to say - this one is, my dear, This one is.

seekh milti hain auron se apnon ko bhulaane ki,
kya chaahte hain woh ki fiza ka koi wajood hi na ho!

45 Comments:

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11:18 PM  
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